Q: Why don’t they sell Polish pickled corn at the grocery store anymore? -Pickled in Punxsutawney

That’s a great question, Punxsutawney! What you may not know is that Polish pickled corn is the favorite food of a very special species of rabbit. The Polishus pickledus rabbitus, otherwise known as the Polish Pickled Rabbit (named after its food source of course), is a cherished species in Poland, beloved by the nation throughout its history. They have recently been discovered to be endangered, coming precariously close to a tragic extinction. Since Polish pickled corn had been so much in demand in the past years, there was none left for the starving rabbits. When scientists discovered the reason for these cherished creatures’ decline, the Polish government made a difficult decision and outlawed all sales of Polish pickled corn, whether domestic or exported. Thus, the Polish pickled rabbit population is gradually regaining its numbers, and Polish pickled corn is no longer sold in grocery stores.*

*Find reference

 

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THE DANGERS OF BUMPER CHAIRS

Room 4 has a very special place in most of our hearts: the open windows, the round table, the comfy chairs. But perhaps most important are the wheels underneath those comfy chairs. “Bumper Chairs” is an activity many of us here at Pathways have participated in, which (for those unaware) involves flailing around the room in a moving chair, often involving two people who crash into one another at some point – ah, the beauty of such young, intellectual minds. However, The Radish staff realized, during a recent round of Bumper Chairs, that this sport proves to be much more dangerous than meets the eye. After conducting a series of experiments that resulted in collision with the wall, a stubbed toe, collision with the wall, severe dizziness, collision with the wall, a banged knee, and collision with the wall, we concluded that it takes only four seconds of playing bumper chairs to get hurt*. To get an idea of exactly how fast these chairs can move, we held another experiment and found that they take only three seconds to cover 17 feet. What does this mean? It means these chairs have high velocity impact that is potentially deadly. While bumper chairs is very dear to us all… ride at your own risk.

*These multiple injuries were all inflicted on a single, anonymous member of The Radish. Can you guess who?

Q: Should I go to college or open my own churro and nutella cart? – Dreaming in Detroit

Q: Should I go to college or open my own churro and nutella cart? – Dreaming in Detroit

A: As my inspiration and personal hero, Adolf Hitler, once said: “Don’t let what other people think stop you from doing the things you love.” Follow in Der Fuehrer’s footsteps and don’t let anyone hold you back. You want a churro and nutella cart? Get the churro and nutella cart. Be the churro and nutella cart if your heart so desires. College is overrated – what does the country really need? We’re already full of intelligent thinkers – e.g., Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, Haven Hunt, etc. What we really need is the fuel for these brilliant minds. We need a hero. A savior. Someone who appears during your darkest days like a ray of light, a beacon of hope, an omen of good things to come. Who will fill this empty, churro sized hole in America’s heart? Will it be you, Dreaming? Will you be prepared to fulfill this daunting task? Or will you succumb to the pressure society has placed on you, that burden to go to college to be “useful”? I hope you make the right choice… the choice that America needs.

Open Letter to Yale University

Dear Yale,

Recently, it has come to my attention that collision with the windows of your School of Management has killed hundreds of innocent birds who just wanted to have a good time and fly a bit. In fact, according to Bob Saidi, the Director of Facilities, up to three birds a day died in the spring of 2014 – no, they didn’t just die. They were murdered. By you. Other campuses on Yale have experienced the same problem; however, they found a solution by adding fritted glass (a type of patterned glass) to their windows that have been proven to decrease bird collisions. “I’m happy to say that we haven’t picked up one since the fritted glass was installed two years ago.” said Grounds Manager Raymond Mirando, referring to fallen birds that used to be common at Yale’s School of Medicine. Now, I understand that the School of Management’s modern architecture is a point of pride for the Yale campus and that you’re worried that screens, grills, latticework, fritted glass, or other bird deterrents will make it too “ugly” for your taste. I guess the bird carcasses littered around your building aren’t as ugly as shaded windows would be – but I digress. I propose an idea that would simultaneously keep the SOM’s architecture unaltered, protect the birds, and increase the attractiveness of your building by having fashionable birds: bird helmets. Since birds typically collide head-on with buildings, the head needs to be most well protected, and various small helmets made by the Lego Company are sold online. On amazon.com, you can buy Lego helmets that are black with flames painted on, and also includes a visor (so that the birds can block the sun as well), for only $2.49. Or, if you’re willing to splurge a little bit for the awesome sight of Roman gladiator birds flying around campus, gladiator-style helmets are available in a pack of 5 for $6.99. Either way, the tiny bird heads are safe and sound, and they also look pretty rad. I realize that you may be thinking, That’s too impractical. $7 for five helmets is too expensive. While I’d first like to tell you that you cannot place a price on saving lives, if it means that much to you, it’s already figured out. Just buy as many helmets as necessary as the years go on and raise your tuition slightly so that the students pay for it over the years. After all, it’s not like students have crippling debt already. What’s the harm?

I have to say, Yale, I’m disappointed. A school full of “geniuses” and no one thought about this incredibly easy and effective solution. Call me Einstein.