Recently, it has come to my attention that collision with the windows of your School of Management has killed hundreds of innocent birds who just wanted to have a good time and fly a bit. In fact, according to Bob Saidi, the Director of Facilities, up to three birds a day died in the spring of 2014 – no, they didn’t just die. They were murdered. By you. Other campuses on Yale have experienced the same problem; however, they found a solution by adding fritted glass (a type of patterned glass) to their windows that have been proven to decrease bird collisions. “I’m happy to say that we haven’t picked up one since the fritted glass was installed two years ago.” said Grounds Manager Raymond Mirando, referring to fallen birds that used to be common at Yale’s School of Medicine. Now, I understand that the School of Management’s modern architecture is a point of pride for the Yale campus and that you’re worried that screens, grills, latticework, fritted glass, or other bird deterrents will make it too “ugly” for your taste. I guess the bird carcasses littered around your building aren’t as ugly as shaded windows would be – but I digress. I propose an idea that would simultaneously keep the SOM’s architecture unaltered, protect the birds, and increase the attractiveness of your building by having fashionable birds: bird helmets. Since birds typically collide head-on with buildings, the head needs to be most well protected, and various small helmets made by the Lego Company are sold online. On amazon.com, you can buy Lego helmets that are black with flames painted on, and also includes a visor (so that the birds can block the sun as well), for only $2.49. Or, if you’re willing to splurge a little bit for the awesome sight of Roman gladiator birds flying around campus, gladiator-style helmets are available in a pack of 5 for $6.99. Either way, the tiny bird heads are safe and sound, and they also look pretty rad. I realize that you may be thinking, That’s too impractical. $7 for five helmets is too expensive. While I’d first like to tell you that you cannot place a price on saving lives, if it means that much to you, it’s already figured out. Just buy as many helmets as necessary as the years go on and raise your tuition slightly so that the students pay for it over the years. After all, it’s not like students have crippling debt already. What’s the harm?
I have to say, Yale, I’m disappointed. A school full of “geniuses” and no one thought about this incredibly easy and effective solution. Call me Einstein.