Q: What advice do you have for someone who wants to gain popularity at Pathways? -Heartbroken Homeschooler
A: If there’s one thing that homeschoolers respect, it’s the extent of your homeschooliness. I suggest doing any of the following:
- Join a shakespeare group. Homeschoolers are widely known as enthusiasts of Shakespeare, and they enjoy using Shakespearian terms (not unlike the rest of the world because of his great linguistic influence), references, and passion.
- Use big words like homeschooliness.
- Fixate on lampreys. Seriously, they’re rad, (like us) and they’ll get you lots of attention. Be sure to dress like one for bonus points.
- Lastly, it’s best to publicly support the implementation of bird helmets on Yale’s campus. This is guaranteed to boost your popularity as only cool people support the use of helmets.
Q: How can I get my daughter out of the bed in the morning without having an argument? I really need your help! – Yours truly, The Human Alarm Clock.
A: Luring children out of their rooms with the scent of delicious food is always a good place to start. Perhaps tie a freshly made waffle to the end of a fishing rod and wave it in front of her nose until she wakes up, and then proceed to coax her by reeling in the fishing line towards the kitchen. Or if that is unsuccessful, try shoving the burden on to something, or someone, else. Maybe take a cat and throw it on to her bed. While being woken up to many new scratches on her face may make her arguably more angry than ever before, if you’re able to exit the bedroom quickly she won’t be able to place any blame on you. If all else fails, duct tape her mouth shut before waking her up. Without being able to talk, no arguments will be able to ensue.
Q: Should I go to college or open my own churro and nutella cart? – Dreaming in Detroit
A: As my inspiration and personal hero, Adolf Hitler, once said: “Don’t let what other people think stop you from doing the things you love.” Follow in his footsteps and don’t let anyone hold you back. You want a churro and nutella cart? Get the churro and nutella cart. Be the churro and nutella cart, if your heart so desires. College is overrated – what does the country really need? We’re already full of intelligent thinkers – e.g., Donald Trump, Paris Hilton, Haven Hunt, etc. What we really need is the fuel for these brilliant minds. We need a hero. A savior. Someone who appears during your darkest days like a ray of light, a beacon of hope, an omen of good things to come. Who will fill this empty, churro sized hole in America’s heart? Will it be you, Dreaming? Will you be prepared to fulfill this daunting task? Or will you succumb to the pressure society has placed on you, that burden to go to college to be “useful”? I hope you make the right choice… the choice that America needs.
Q: Why don’t they sell Polish pickled corn at the grocery store anymore? -Pickled in Punxsutawney
A: That’s a great question! What you may not know is that Polish pickled corn is the favorite food of a very special species of rabbit. The Polishus pickledus rabbitus, otherwise known as the Polish Pickled Rabbit (named after its food source of course), is a cherished species in Poland, beloved by the nation throughout its history. They have recently been discovered to be endangered, coming precariously close to a tragic extinction. Since Polish pickled corn had been so much in demand in the past years, there was none left for the starving rabbits. When scientists discovered the reason for these cherished creatures’ decline, the Polish government made a difficult decision and outlawed all sales of Polish pickled corn, whether domestic or exported. Thus, the Polish pickled rabbit population is gradually regaining its numbers, and Polish pickled corn is no longer sold in grocery stores.*