Horoscope

Aries: You will be killed in 48 hours by a flying squirrel attacking you.

Taurus: You will be killed in 389 hours by slamming a door too hard and the building collapsing.

Gemini: You will be killed in 98 hours by being carried away by a lot of helium balloons.

Cancer: You will be killed in 31 hours by a rampaging herd of buffalo.

Leo: You will be killed in 3 hours by a falling acorn.

Virgo: You will be killed in 168 hours by tripping and falling over a cliff.

Libra: You will be killed in 27 hours by an angry chipmunk.

Scorpio: You will be killed in 16 hours by going to a beach that was actually all quicksand.

Sagittarius: You’re immortal.

Capricorn: You will be killed in 42 hours by accidentally offending a bear.

Aquarius: You will be killed in 50 hours by being flung into space by a skinny chair.

Pisces: You will be killed in 68 hours by Gemini.

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